Bad Movies Rule!

Curt Mummer drops in with a $40 bottle of chocolate banana Fanta that tastes like a plumber’s aftertaste, a two-year-old wrapped around a banana, and the paper wrapper on a Tootsie Roll. Nobody likes it. Everybody respects the bit.

The table also gets a last-minute Chuck Norris Karate Commandos figure (stache era, no beard, full mullet), a “You Should Leave” horror welcome sign from Kerry Ahern (Freddy, Ghostface, Chucky — welcome crossed out), and three movies in the mail: Cronenberg’s Shivers and Videodrome plus Gregory Hines in White Nights.

Then the BMRmy unloads:

David from New Hampshire lets his dogs out and a raccoon runs across his bare feet, hisses from the railing, and leaves a five-inch scratch that turns into six rabies shots and a scar. The table immediately offers competing raccoon stories, a chipmunk bite, attic babies, and one shotgun-in-the-neighborhood tale.

Vickie calls from the UK with box three incoming — prawn cocktail crisps, biscuits, and something special for James.

Michael Bjork congratulates Grandpa James, finally says something nice about Bob (it only took Teen Wolf), drops werewolf lore (full moon and silver arrived late), and asks about the competition and We Can Do It Better.

Matt clocks that High Chief Peter Maivia — The Rock’s grandfather — was the henchman and the fight choreographer in You Only Live Twice. Die Another Episode gets another vote.

Uncle Nasty writes in about missing The Prophecy awards, a brother who kept alligators in the bathtub, and a real mental-health check. The table stops being idiots for a minute and tells him to stay.

Bradley Great Scott calls in with Lessons From Bad Movies (Cool as Ice, Rad, American Ninja, Masters of the Universe, Garbage Pail Kids, Hard to Kill, Surviving the Game). Trapper Dave offers to source a raccoon. Art from Chicago IDs Chomp the Snapper in Humboldt Park and gives Madeline an Alaska timing warning. Dwayne from Tennessee insists burning the house in Vampires just makes them a cocoon. The guys disagree. Loudly.

Same contacts as always. Same chaos. Send more.

Email: thisshowistrash@gmail.com
Voicemail: (262) 757-8567
Mail: PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105
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Charlie Sheen is Ditch Brodie: Olympic gymnast, flying penis, and the only skydiving instructor who thinks “I hooked her in like I always do” is a solid alibi. Nastassja Kinski shows up wanting lessons and immediately vanishes mid-flight. James Gandolfini plays the world’s least convincing deputy DA. Christopher McDonald (Shooter McGavin himself) brings rubber gloves, a knife for a business card, and enough intensity to win the Will Patton award in a landslide.

Joe, Rachel, and Dr. Ryan Mattila join James for a full scene-by-scene roast of this Point Break knockoff that Hollywood built around stunts first and a plot later. Expect dummy bounces that look like MythBusters rejects, a Cadillac driven out the back of a plane, night jumps into silos, a rocket car that has never been tested, and more one-liners than a movie like this has any right to deliver.

Is it a good movie? Is it a bad movie that rules? The table is split. The patrons who voted it in are even more split. We talk gymnastics backstory that nobody needed, gold bars on a commercial flight, windmills in canyons, and why you should never send gold in the mail.

September Patreon push is on — extra shows going out for free so you can see what you’re missing.

Strap in. We’re going terminal.

Support Us: patreon.com/badmoviesrule

Email Us: ThisShowIsTrash@gmail.com

Voicemail: 262-757-8567

Mail: Bad Movies Rule, PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105

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Entire episode is free as part of our annual Patreon Push. We wanted you to hear what you may be missing by not being a member, enjoy! We are going movie by movie through the James Bond franchise.

patreon.com/badmoviesrule.com

Connery’s fifth outing as 007 was supposed to be the big send-off. Instead we get a bored Sean, a Roald Dahl script that treats the novel like a travel brochure, and the first time we actually see Blofeld’s face (Donald Pleasence, piranha pool, emotional-support cat and all).

James fakes his own death, gets shot out of a torpedo tube, immediately gets clocked in a Tokyo alley, watches sumo, busts through paper walls, fights The Rock’s grandpa with a couch, slides into Tanaka’s secret underground office, flies Little Nellie, trains as a ninja, and storms a hollowed-out volcano while America and Russia keep losing spaceships to a giant rocket-eating spacecraft. Three Bond girls (Aki, Helga, Kissy), zero convertibles Bond can actually fit in, and a whole lot of “why does this six-foot Scotsman think he’s blending in?”

We recap the whole messy, spectacular, strangely slow ride, hand out the Will Patton Intensity, Best Henchman, Best Bond Girl and Best Death awards, and try to figure out why a movie with ninjas, a volcano lair and piranhas still somehow feels like it’s missing some of that classic Bond-ness.

Next month we jump to George Lazenby and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. For now, come hang in the volcano with us.
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The BMRmy showed up with the goods this week.

Erin Miller sends an Ernest festival poster AND a kicking Chuck Norris Karate Commandos figure. Bill McFucherCakes ships a Teen Wolf Beavers #42 jersey that is going on the wall. James from sticky Nashville gifts Carolina Reaper jerky and we eat it on camera. Then the night shift opens a package from Wyoming and a physical 3D-printed Will Patton Award hits the table. Studio is getting decorated. Reverse Mailbag is getting closer.

Cora settles the Toledo War with the tragic tale of Lucky the Mule. Brian Austin updates alligator anatomy and issues a PSA: do not vape during BMR. Kurt from Salt Lake City names James’s least favorite driving situation a Mormon roadblock. Stephen proposes a new review segment with very specific rules involving five-year-olds, a gymnasium door, ducks, and one duck the size of a horse. Matt Mulholland demands Teen Wolf 3: The Reckoning. Drew Parks describes the morning a six-foot alligator used its tail as a doorbell. Plus Oscar for Tim Curry, Vampires vs. James Woods, a Disney vacation that involved a man o’ war AND fire ants, and someone trying to start beef with Samurai Movie Jam.

Reach out. We want the stories, the hauls, the unhinged theories.

Email: thisshowistrash@gmail.com
Voicemail: (262) 757-8567
Physical mail: PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105

Patreon is how the lights stay on and how we get to 1,000 for Reverse Mailbag. If you’ve been on the fence, now’s the time.

Terror Squad is coming. Watch it first if you want to suffer with us.
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This week James, Chuck, Nicole, and Clint take on Gregory Widen’s 1995 supernatural oddity The Prophecy. Christopher Walken perches on furniture like a vulture, licks crime scenes, rips out hearts, and chews garlic the entire shoot so the other actors stay properly repulsed. Viggo Mortensen shows up barefoot as Lucifer. Eric Stoltz plays a beautiful hobo angel. A little girl starts drawing Korean War atrocities after a very uncomfortable soul transfer. Heaven’s closed. Hell’s always open. Even on Christmas.

Is this a theological train wreck? Are the angel rules completely made up? Why does nobody in this movie know how to sit in a chair? We recast Arnold, hand out awards, and try to decide whether Walken single-handedly saves a movie that keeps forgetting to explain itself.

Pick a side. The war’s already started.

Support Us: patreon.com/badmoviesrule

Email Us: ThisShowIsTrash@gmail.com

Voicemail: 262-757-8567

Mail: Bad Movies Rule, PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105

Gear Up: Grab tees at teepublic.com/user/bad-movies-rule

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