EP:182 In this episode of Thrive Like a Parent, I’m diving deep into one of the biggest reasons so many of us feel exhausted, resentful, and burnt out: regulating externally instead of internally.
I’m breaking down the difference between the two in real-life, practical terms. When we regulate externally, we rely on our partners, kids, parents, friends, or even the state of our house to determine how we feel. We wait for someone else to notice we’re drowning, to give us permission to rest, to step in and take over. And when they don’t? We feel angry, unseen, and completely overwhelmed.
I share how this showed up in my own life—how I used to abandon myself over and over again, scheduling everything around my family, believing my worth came from doing more, people-pleasing, and hoping that one day someone would finally “get it” and take care of me the way I needed. Spoiler: that moment never came… until I decided to become the one who takes care of me.
We’ll talk about:
Why your partner (or kids, or parents) are not mind readers—and why expecting them to be is wrecking your nervous system
How external regulation fuels resentment, burnout, and emotional explosions with your kids and partner
The internal shift that happens when you start asking, “How do I feel? What do I need?” and actually trust the answer
Why it feels so uncomfortable at first to set boundaries, receive help, and stop over-functioning for everyone else
How trial and error, small experiments, and tiny acts of self-honoring build a completely new pattern in your brain
Why your hobbies, preferences, and “little joys” aren’t frivolous—they’re actually nervous system regulation tools
I also share a personal story from early in my marriage, when our therapist gave us an exercise where Jonathan had to cook dinner and I had to practice simply receiving. I walk you through how hard it was for me not to control, fix, or “help,” and how that moment revealed just how deeply I was stuck in external regulation and self-abandonment.
By the end of this episode, you’ll be able to:
Identify whether you’re regulating externally or internally
Start asking better questions of yourself: What do I feel? What do I need? Can I give this to myself?
See where resentment in your relationships might actually be a sign that it’s time to take radical responsibility for your own nervous system
Begin shifting from relying on everyone else… to trusting that you can hold, support, and care for you
This isn’t about becoming hyper-independent or never asking for help. It’s about learning to anchor yourself first, then intentionally and clearly asking for what you need—without outsourcing your worth or your regulation to the people around you.
If you are tired of feeling like you’re treading water, waiting for someone to throw you a life raft, this episode will show you how to build your own.
If this episode hit home for you, I want you to do two things:
Pause after listening and check in with yourself:
Ask, “How do I feel right now? What do I need?”—and then give yourself one small thing that supports your nervous system today.
Share this episode with another parent who is drowning in resentment, burnout, or “doing it all.” Screenshot the episode, tag me @drbrookeweinstein, and tell me one way you’re going to start regulating internally instead of externally.
If you’re ready to go deeper into this work and truly repattern your nervous system, come work with me inside my programs—head to my website or the link in the show notes to get started.
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