Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

A while back I sat through an hour of Dr. Russ Barkley, a global expert on ADHD, walking through the statistics: more car accidents, more health problems, and a life expectancy he says is 7 to 13 years shorter, driven mainly by a lack of impulse control. When the hour was over, I remember thinking that if I had a kid with ADHD, I would be absolutely terrified.



Right after that, I took a second training, Becoming a Neuro-Affirming Clinician, hosted by B. Lourenco. The difference between the two couldn’t have been more profound. Barkley starts with executive function and asks how to fix it. B. Lourenco  asks why executive function is hard in the first place, and what we can do to support people with ADHD that might involve medication, but might not.



In this conversation, B. Lourenco  explains why she thinks ADHD starts with attention regulation, and what she says to Dr. Russ Barkley’s claim that impulse control drives that shorter life expectancy. We talk about Dr. Russ Barkley’s view that kids shouldn’t get any say in whether they take medication, and what a parent who desperately longs for quiet and predictability can do when their kid wants noise and novelty all day long. 


Questions this episode will answer

What does neuroaffirming mean? Neuroaffirming approaches start from the idea that ADHD is one of the ways brains work, and that it has been around about as long as humans have. It takes out the shame, then looks for ways to adapt that fit how you work and for the strengths that come with ADHD.



Does ADHD shorten life expectancy? Dr. Russ Barkley says it does, by 7 to 13 years, driven mainly by poor impulse control. B. Lourenco agrees that health outcomes differ but disputes the explanation, because a doctor who sees only impulse control can miss co-occurring conditions that affect health. 



Are kids with ADHD overmedicated? B. Lourenco says over-medication was real for a generation of kids: too many were medicated, and many were given too much. She also says medication helps a lot, but it doesn’t have to be the first or only tool.



Should kids get a say in whether they take ADHD medication? Dr. Russ Barkley says no; the decision is the parent’s alone. B. Lourenco points out that this denies children’s autonomy.



How can parents help children with ADHD? B. Lourenco shares two important ideas for a parent who is just starting to wonder: stop blaming and shaming yourself, because nothing is fundamentally wrong with you or your child.  Secondly, build connections with people who will support you without the shame and judgment of the wider culture.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why B. Lourenco thinks ADHD starts with attention regulation in a nervous and sensory system that works differently, and why executive function struggles follow from that
Why ADHD traits were useful for most of human history, and what changed in the last few hundred years
What B. Lourenco says to Dr. Russ Barkley’s claim that impulse control drives a shorter life expectancy, and the co-occurring conditions a doctor can miss when that’s the only explanation
Why over-medication was real for a generation of kids, and where medication fits as one tool among several
What it can look like when a parent who wants calm and a child who wants noise and novelty both get to exist, including a mom break scaled to your child’s age
Two things B. Lourenco would tell a parent who is just starting to wonder about ADHD for themselves or their child


Want to hear the full conversation?

The full conversation with B. Lourenco is available to Sustaining Supporters of the show and to Parenting Membership members. In it, B. Lourenco walks us through PINCH, a practical model for motivating a person with ADHD to do things like getting out the door and doing homework, and why leaving things until the last minute can be a strategy, even if it doesn’t have to be your only one.



We also look at the homework fight from a different angle, asking whether you value it or just think you’re supposed to, and why high school doesn’t have to take four years. B. Lourenco explains the social model of disability with her glasses analogy, and we get into how decisions our society has made about cars and the tax code create challenges for people with ADHD that have nothing to do with impulse control. And we talk about the risks of getting a diagnosis compared with the risks of going without one.



The whole episode is available in a private podcast feed immediately after you become a supporter of the show.



As a Sustaining Supporter, you’ll hear extended conversations like this one with the experts I bring onto the show, plus occasional bonus episodes with my own analysis that aren’t released anywhere else.



If you’ve been told the problem is your child’s brain, and something in this episode made you wonder whether that’s the whole story, this is where you hear the rest of it.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

01:34 Introduction: Jen's contrasting experiences with Dr. Russ Barkley's ADHD training and B. Lourenco's neuroaffirming one

03:59 What's in the full conversation for sustaining supporters, and the start of the interview with B. Lourenco

04:31 What the dominant "executive function deficit" framing of ADHD misses

07:35 Why ADHD traits were adaptive for most of human history and fit less well in today's world

09:24 Responding to Dr. Russ Barkley's claim that impulse control drives reduced life expectancy

13:09 Does more control ever help? Driving, rules, and why structure people will actually use beats control

15:02 Jen's explanation of what "neuroaffirming" means, and how this shapes an approach to medication

17:44 Medication as a tool that doesn't have to be the first or only support

19:05 When a parent who needs calm and predictability has a child who craves novelty and noise: neither is wrong

23:21 B. Lourenco's advice for newly identified parents and parents of kids with ADHD: drop the shame and blame, and build connection

26:28 Jen's wrap-up: mom breaks, the missing village, and changes for the margins helping everyone

This is the third and final episode in our series on Dr. Russ Barkley's approach to ADHD. In the first episode, we looked at how ADHD gets diagnosed and why diagnosis rates keep climbing. In the second episode, we covered the medication research - including the largest ADHD treatment study ever conducted, and why most kids stop taking medication within a few years. This episode zooms out to ask a bigger question about whether the medical model has misunderstood ADHD from the start.



This excerpt covers two sections from the full episode: the bell curve Barkley uses to define who has a disorder and who doesn't, and why that framing itself is the problem. And the causal pathway behind the outcomes Barkley warns about - because when you look at the wider body of research, the path from ADHD to reduced life expectancy has a lot more steps in it than Barkley acknowledges, including the peer rejection and teacher stigma kids with ADHD face. The full episode goes further into the evolutionary history behind ADHD traits, the history of how ADHD became a diagnosis, and researcher Andrew Ivan Brown's concept of "misrecognition" - available to members.


Questions this episode will answer

Is ADHD a disability? The answer depends on which definition of disability you're using. Under a strictly medical definition, ADHD is often treated as a brain-based disorder. But under other frameworks, ADHD looks like a mismatch between a person and their environment. 



Is ADHD not a disorder? Some researchers argue ADHD fails to meet the two standards a mental disorder is supposed to meet, once you account for the environment ADHD traits evolved in. This episode walks through that argument step by step.



Do people with ADHD struggle with friendships? Yes. Kids with ADHD are far more likely to be rejected by their peers than other kids, and a large share experience ongoing, chronic exclusion.



Why does ADHD still have a negative stigma, and are people with ADHD discriminated against? Teachers and peers often hold negative assumptions about kids with ADHD, and this episode looks at research showing how those assumptions shape the way kids get treated in the classroom, and what can be done to shift that.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why Barkley's bell curve, which labels one tail "gifted" and the other "disordered," leaves out some important questions
Why some researchers argue ADHD doesn't meet the standard definition of a disorder
Why kids with ADHD face so much higher rates of peer rejection, and what that rejection does to their long-term wellbeing
What classroom accommodations and peer-focused programs reduce ADHD stigma and improve how kids with ADHD are treated by classmates
Why the outcomes Barkley warns about - reduced life expectancy, failed relationships, substance use - have a lot more steps in the causal chain than his model accounts for 


Click Here To Download The Infographic: What Helps Kids With ADHD Thrive - School, Friends, and Framing



Jump to highlights

01:32 Introduction: this is an excerpt from part three of the series on Dr. Russell Barkley's approach to ADHD

02:13 How Barkley uses a bell curve of executive function to define who has a disorder and who doesn't

05:40 Why labeling one tail "gifted" and the other "disordered" is questionable: over-control and conditions like anorexia

09:33 The causal pathway behind the scary outcomes: peer rejection, bullying, and their links to depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation

11:34 Wakefield's criteria for a mental disorder, and the case that the pathway from difference to harm is longer than Barkley suggests

12:20 Peer-mediated programs and classroom interventions that reduce rejection

14:00 Teacher attitudes and how punitive, pessimistic responses can amplify a child's difficulties

16:25 Gaming and "internet addiction" reframed as escape from stressful environments

20:13 Where to find the full episode, and a preview of the next episode with B. Lourenco on neuroaffirming tools

One day Iris took her daughter to the park, with enough snacks with for both of them.  When Iris got hungry, she asked her daughter to share some of the food - but her daughter refused.  Iris knows that hunger is a factor that dramatically narrows her Window of Tolerance and makes it more likely that she’ll snap at her child’s behavior, so she asked again for food and again her daughter refused.



Then out of nowhere a crow swooped down and tried to steal some of the food, causing the whole lot to fall on the ground - and Iris exploded.  She was so angry that she felt a hot energy coming from her gut, and her daughter is standing in the park with tears flooding down her face, because Iris yelled at her.



And then, of course, the guilt and shame spiral begins: “What am I doing?  Why am I so angry?  And why can’t I stop?”



Now, Iris is in a very different place.  She’s not perfect, of course - none of us are.  But even Iris, the raised-Catholic-and-prone-to-unworthiness-and-guilt-tripping specialist, has found a different path.  



She no longer has to convince herself that she’s worthy of having her needs met - she knows she is, and she holds her own needs with equal care as her daughter’s needs.



Because her needs are met on a regular basis, she’s able to respond to her daughter’s age-appropriate difficult behavior with compassion and empathy.



And because she’s able to do this most of the time, she doesn’t need to get into the guilt and shame spiral nearly as often.  (And on the few occasions when it does still happen, she knows how to treat herself with compassion as well, instead of beating herself up for screwing up.)



Do you want to make this kind of shift in your own life?  Do you often feel triggered by your child’s behavior?  My Taming Your Triggers workshop, which has helped thousands of parents to not just remember a new script for the difficult moments, but to truly take on a new way of being in their relationships with their children - just like Iris has done.



Click the banner to sign up!








Jump to highlights

01:43 Introduction about the guest

08:00 Iris’ childhood impression

15:15 What would Iris say to a person experiencing extreme anger

20:40 Iris’ experience in taking the workshop

26:45 What Iris learned in the workshop

33:56 How was it different today than before for Iris

40:59 Transformations that Iris experienced

Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience.



It was a beautiful event (eventually we'll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Canada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat.



This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn't know it was going to be an episode beforehand - I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode.



I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn't able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode.



I've also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily - click the button below to download it.



Enjoy the conversation!



Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,



the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.



Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.



Click the banner to learn more!





Jump to highlights

00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest

03:31 Kerry's insights into her role within Mom's Against Racism and discusses the organization's mission and initiatives

05:49 MAR’s origin and founding motivations

13:54 The various forms and manifestations of racism in Canadian society

18:50 How members of Moms Against Racism are guided in unlearning racism

24:49 Kerry reflects on her upbringing, sharing how her mother's personal challenges and disconnection from her cultural identity left a void in her understanding of her own heritage

28:00 Kerry’s thoughts on Parenting Beyond Power

31:14 Kerry talks about which tools from the book resonated with her and if she's been able to use them

43:02 Why Kerry agreed to join the Culture Talks Panel Event

47:22 Jen’s commitment to addressing issues like White privilege and patriarchy, striving to make a positive impact

50:38 Kerry’s Ideas for Anti-Racist Actions for Parents

You did everything right today, and it still wasn't enough. Your kid melted down over something small, you lost your patience faster than you wanted to, and now you're lying in bed wondering if today's hard moment left a mark.



In this episode, I get into why some days with our kids are harder than others, and it's rarely just about what happened in that one moment. Temperament mismatch (or a temperament match that causes its own friction), the attachment patterns we picked up long before we had kids, unresolved hurt from our own childhoods, we're carrying more into these interactions than we usually notice.



I share a wilderness first-responder question that changes what to do in the first ten seconds of a hard moment, a parent's story of a forgiveness that happened in her body before it happened in her head, and why the thing you think you need in the moment, five minutes alone, your kid to just listen, is almost never your actual need.


Questions this episode will answer

Why is parenting so hard? It's rarely just the moment in front of you. Temperament mismatch with your child, the attachment patterns you learned long before you had kids, unresolved hurt from your own childhood, and undiagnosed things like ADHD or anxiety all stack on top of each other, so it doesn't take much to push you over the edge on a day that looks fine from the outside.



Why am I so stressed with my kids? Stress in a parenting moment is rarely about the shoes not getting put on. It's usually a strategy standing in for a real need, rest, competence, connection, that's been going unmet for a while. Once you find the need underneath the surface fight, the fight itself tends to lose its grip.



How to be a calmer parent? Start with the same question a wilderness first responder asks first: is the scene safe? Can it be made safe? Once it is, the next move isn't to fix anything, it's to do nothing. Sit down near your kid, take a breath, and try: "It seems like you're having a hard time right now, huh."



What does "community healing" mean? It means processing what's hard with other people who are going through it too, not necessarily a therapist or an expert. Something shifts faster when you're not the only one generating the insight, when you hear someone else name a pattern and realize it's yours too.



How does unresolved trauma affect parenting? Even parents with good parents rarely got shown how to be in conflict well. A childhood pattern like fawning, shutting down, or lashing out doesn't disappear when you become a parent, it shows up again in your own hard moments, often faster and harder than you'd expect.



How do you understand what a nonverbal child needs? You don't need their words to test a guess. Try naming what you think is going on, "I'm wondering if you're having a hard time because you want to feel connected to me right now," and watch for a nod, a glance, or a shift in their body. You don't need to get the words right. Trying to understand is what counts.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why having the opposite temperament from your child can make things hard, and why having the same temperament can make things just as hard in a different way
How the attachment style you learned as a kid shapes what irritates you most in your child's behavior today, and what to do when your patterns don't match
A real story of a parent whose years of trying to forgive her mother in her head finally shifted somewhere else entirely, and what was different about the moment it happened
The two questions to ask in the first ten seconds of a hard moment, before you try to do anything else
Why the thing you think you need in a stressful moment is almost never your actual need, and how to find the one underneath it
How this same approach works even with a child who can't tell you in words what's wrong



Taming Your Triggers

Knowing why a moment is hard doesn't automatically change what happens the next time you're in one. That shift, the kind where you're just not as triggered anymore instead of remembering mid-meltdown what you meant to do differently, tends to happen faster with other people going through it alongside you.



That's what Taming Your Triggers is built around. Whether your pattern is yelling, shutting down, or walking away, you're matched with an AccountaBuddy and dropped into a community of parents doing this work at the same time, so you're not the only one trying to generate the insight on your own. The goal is to help you build a new way of being with your kids, one that holds up on the hard days too.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

01:59 Introduction to the episode's theme: navigating hard parenting days with grace

02:34 How temperament matches and mismatches between parent and child set the stage for difficult days

06:02 Attachment styles and how anxious or avoidant patterns from childhood shape today's reactions

07:38 Unprocessed trauma, gendered conditioning, and how it resurfaces in parenting moments

11:13 Idea one: making a non-cognitive shift, not just a cognitive one, to actually change the pattern

16:23 Why healing happens in relationship, and the case for community-based healing

21:35 Idea two: you don't have to fix everything in the moment, starting with "is the scene safe?"

24:36 What to say instead of judgment-loaded questions, and inviting the child to share what happened

26:23 Idea three: meeting your own needs more often, and why there's more time for this than it seems

28:16 Why "needs" and "strategies to meet needs" get confused, using the out-the-door-by-8:30 example

30:16 Looking at both the parent's and the child's needs underneath a shoe-putting-on standoff

38:22 Closing: what the Taming Your Triggers workshop offers and how its support is designed to taper off