Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

One day Iris took her daughter to the park, with enough snacks with for both of them.  When Iris got hungry, she asked her daughter to share some of the food - but her daughter refused.  Iris knows that hunger is a factor that dramatically narrows her Window of Tolerance and makes it more likely that she’ll snap at her child’s behavior, so she asked again for food and again her daughter refused.



Then out of nowhere a crow swooped down and tried to steal some of the food, causing the whole lot to fall on the ground - and Iris exploded.  She was so angry that she felt a hot energy coming from her gut, and her daughter is standing in the park with tears flooding down her face, because Iris yelled at her.



And then, of course, the guilt and shame spiral begins: “What am I doing?  Why am I so angry?  And why can’t I stop?”



Now, Iris is in a very different place.  She’s not perfect, of course - none of us are.  But even Iris, the raised-Catholic-and-prone-to-unworthiness-and-guilt-tripping specialist, has found a different path.  



She no longer has to convince herself that she’s worthy of having her needs met - she knows she is, and she holds her own needs with equal care as her daughter’s needs.



Because her needs are met on a regular basis, she’s able to respond to her daughter’s age-appropriate difficult behavior with compassion and empathy.



And because she’s able to do this most of the time, she doesn’t need to get into the guilt and shame spiral nearly as often.  (And on the few occasions when it does still happen, she knows how to treat herself with compassion as well, instead of beating herself up for screwing up.)



Do you want to make this kind of shift in your own life?  Do you often feel triggered by your child’s behavior?  My Taming Your Triggers workshop, which has helped thousands of parents to not just remember a new script for the difficult moments, but to truly take on a new way of being in their relationships with their children - just like Iris has done.



Click the banner to sign up!








Jump to highlights

01:43 Introduction about the guest

08:00 Iris’ childhood impression

15:15 What would Iris say to a person experiencing extreme anger

20:40 Iris’ experience in taking the workshop

26:45 What Iris learned in the workshop

33:56 How was it different today than before for Iris

40:59 Transformations that Iris experienced

Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience.



It was a beautiful event (eventually we'll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Canada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat.



This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn't know it was going to be an episode beforehand - I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode.



I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn't able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode.



I've also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily - click the button below to download it.



Enjoy the conversation!



Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,



the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.



Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.



Click the banner to learn more!





Jump to highlights

00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest

03:31 Kerry's insights into her role within Mom's Against Racism and discusses the organization's mission and initiatives

05:49 MAR’s origin and founding motivations

13:54 The various forms and manifestations of racism in Canadian society

18:50 How members of Moms Against Racism are guided in unlearning racism

24:49 Kerry reflects on her upbringing, sharing how her mother's personal challenges and disconnection from her cultural identity left a void in her understanding of her own heritage

28:00 Kerry’s thoughts on Parenting Beyond Power

31:14 Kerry talks about which tools from the book resonated with her and if she's been able to use them

43:02 Why Kerry agreed to join the Culture Talks Panel Event

47:22 Jen’s commitment to addressing issues like White privilege and patriarchy, striving to make a positive impact

50:38 Kerry’s Ideas for Anti-Racist Actions for Parents

You did everything right today, and it still wasn't enough. Your kid melted down over something small, you lost your patience faster than you wanted to, and now you're lying in bed wondering if today's hard moment left a mark.



In this episode, I get into why some days with our kids are harder than others, and it's rarely just about what happened in that one moment. Temperament mismatch (or a temperament match that causes its own friction), the attachment patterns we picked up long before we had kids, unresolved hurt from our own childhoods, we're carrying more into these interactions than we usually notice.



I share a wilderness first-responder question that changes what to do in the first ten seconds of a hard moment, a parent's story of a forgiveness that happened in her body before it happened in her head, and why the thing you think you need in the moment, five minutes alone, your kid to just listen, is almost never your actual need.


Questions this episode will answer

Why is parenting so hard? It's rarely just the moment in front of you. Temperament mismatch with your child, the attachment patterns you learned long before you had kids, unresolved hurt from your own childhood, and undiagnosed things like ADHD or anxiety all stack on top of each other, so it doesn't take much to push you over the edge on a day that looks fine from the outside.



Why am I so stressed with my kids? Stress in a parenting moment is rarely about the shoes not getting put on. It's usually a strategy standing in for a real need, rest, competence, connection, that's been going unmet for a while. Once you find the need underneath the surface fight, the fight itself tends to lose its grip.



How to be a calmer parent? Start with the same question a wilderness first responder asks first: is the scene safe? Can it be made safe? Once it is, the next move isn't to fix anything, it's to do nothing. Sit down near your kid, take a breath, and try: "It seems like you're having a hard time right now, huh."



What does "community healing" mean? It means processing what's hard with other people who are going through it too, not necessarily a therapist or an expert. Something shifts faster when you're not the only one generating the insight, when you hear someone else name a pattern and realize it's yours too.



How does unresolved trauma affect parenting? Even parents with good parents rarely got shown how to be in conflict well. A childhood pattern like fawning, shutting down, or lashing out doesn't disappear when you become a parent, it shows up again in your own hard moments, often faster and harder than you'd expect.



How do you understand what a nonverbal child needs? You don't need their words to test a guess. Try naming what you think is going on, "I'm wondering if you're having a hard time because you want to feel connected to me right now," and watch for a nod, a glance, or a shift in their body. You don't need to get the words right. Trying to understand is what counts.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why having the opposite temperament from your child can make things hard, and why having the same temperament can make things just as hard in a different way
How the attachment style you learned as a kid shapes what irritates you most in your child's behavior today, and what to do when your patterns don't match
A real story of a parent whose years of trying to forgive her mother in her head finally shifted somewhere else entirely, and what was different about the moment it happened
The two questions to ask in the first ten seconds of a hard moment, before you try to do anything else
Why the thing you think you need in a stressful moment is almost never your actual need, and how to find the one underneath it
How this same approach works even with a child who can't tell you in words what's wrong



Taming Your Triggers

Knowing why a moment is hard doesn't automatically change what happens the next time you're in one. That shift, the kind where you're just not as triggered anymore instead of remembering mid-meltdown what you meant to do differently, tends to happen faster with other people going through it alongside you.



That's what Taming Your Triggers is built around. Whether your pattern is yelling, shutting down, or walking away, you're matched with an AccountaBuddy and dropped into a community of parents doing this work at the same time, so you're not the only one trying to generate the insight on your own. The goal is to help you build a new way of being with your kids, one that holds up on the hard days too.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

01:59 Introduction to the episode's theme: navigating hard parenting days with grace

02:34 How temperament matches and mismatches between parent and child set the stage for difficult days

06:02 Attachment styles and how anxious or avoidant patterns from childhood shape today's reactions

07:38 Unprocessed trauma, gendered conditioning, and how it resurfaces in parenting moments

11:13 Idea one: making a non-cognitive shift, not just a cognitive one, to actually change the pattern

16:23 Why healing happens in relationship, and the case for community-based healing

21:35 Idea two: you don't have to fix everything in the moment, starting with "is the scene safe?"

24:36 What to say instead of judgment-loaded questions, and inviting the child to share what happened

26:23 Idea three: meeting your own needs more often, and why there's more time for this than it seems

28:16 Why "needs" and "strategies to meet needs" get confused, using the out-the-door-by-8:30 example

30:16 Looking at both the parent's and the child's needs underneath a shoe-putting-on standoff

38:22 Closing: what the Taming Your Triggers workshop offers and how its support is designed to taper off

You promised yourself you wouldn't become your mother. Then your kid won't put their shoes on for the third time, and the voice that comes out isn't really yours.



In this episode, I talk with Terese, a parent who grew up walking on eggshells around a mother who yelled often.  She would yell because Terese had her school books on the dinner table - and then after dinner, she would yell because the books were in the living room.  Terese knew she wanted to raise her own kids differently, but she didn’t have a model for what that would look like. 



She shares what it took to finally stop hearing her mom's words come out of her own mouth, how she navigates her kids fighting with calm and confidence - and what she says to her kids on the nights it doesn't go as well.



We hear how she talks to herself in the moments right before she'd normally snap, and how her son learned to apologize for his mistakes without being asked or told.


Questions this episode will answer

What is breaking generational patterns? It starts with catching yourself mid-reaction (and eventually before your reaction), and recognizing where it came from - often a hurt you experienced in childhood.  Healing that pain, and learning new ways to be with your kids that meets both of your needs, actually breaks the cycle.



How do I stop yelling when I'm angry? Staying logical or repeating yourself more calmly rarely holds once a kid is already melting down. Instead, try to notice when you’re just a little bit agitated - your shoulders are tight; your fists are clenched; there’s a lump in your throat.  That’s the moment to remind yourself of what matters most to you - your relationship with your kids.  



How do you resolve conflict between siblings? Taking the toy away ends the fight but doesn't teach anything. When you can find out what need each child is trying to meet (e.g. autonomy, connection), you can find strategies to help both of them meet their needs.  That’s how they learn how to solve their own conflicts - without you refereeing!



How do you apologize to your kids after yelling? Many parents don’t want to bring up a difficult issue again - they worry that reliving it will hurt their kids more (and it’s uncomfortable, too!).  But apologizing repairs the relationship and makes it stronger than it was before.



How do you teach a child that it's okay to make mistakes? When kids see you make a mistake and own up to it, they learn that everyone makes mistakes.  Then when they make a mistake, when you respond with curiosity instead of anger, even when you feel frustrated, tells your child that no matter what happens, you’ll work to find a solution that works for everyone.



How do I quiet my inner critic as a parent? The voice telling you you're failing usually isn't yours originally - it’s one you heard often in your childhood.  When you hear the voice say “You’re a terrible parent,” try adding: “I’m thinking that I’m a terrible parent.” This creates distance between you and the idea, which makes it easier for you to see that there are other possible explanations for what’s happening.


What you'll learn in this episode

What made Terese realize the way she was talking to her kids was starting to sound like her own mother, and what she did about it
Why trying to be logical and calm in the moment didn't work for her, and what did
How identifying her kids’ needs, instead of taking the toy away, helps them navigate fights more easily
What Terese says to her kids on the far fewer occasions when she still yells, that they now say to other people as well
The specific phrase Terese still uses to quiet the voice telling her she's a bad mom



Taming Your Triggers

There’s no script that will make you stop having big reactions to your kids.  When you work to understand your triggers with a group of parents who are invested in doing this alongside you, you can make much more progress, much faster.  



The Taming Your Triggers workshop helps you see why you feel triggered in the first place (whether you yell, clam up, or walk away), heal those hurts, and be in relationship with your kids in a way that’s aligned with your values.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

01:44 Introduction to Terese: Swedish, raised partly in Canada, now living in Norway, a teacher and mother of three

03:14 What led Terese to join Taming Your Triggers: snapping at her kids and hearing her mom's voice

04:16 Terese describes her relationship with her mom as a teenager, and feeling like she couldn't exist in her own home

06:22 Naming the peacekeeping role Terese held as a child, always trying to prevent her mom's dysregulation

08:43 Reframing "I'm a bad mom" into "I'm thinking I'm a bad mom," and treating self-care as a need in its own right

11:16 How Terese repairs with her kids differently than her mom ever did with her

13:02 A story about Terese's son voluntarily apologizing to a friend, unprompted

15:10 What's behind her son opening up more: feeling safe to tell the truth even when he's messed up

17:26 What community support added to the experience, beyond just information

19:46 An invitation to join the next Taming Your Triggers cohort

Before my daughter was born, I made a book split into two halves. One cover said 'me.' The other said 'you.' I filled the 'you' side with a list of hopes for who she'd become. I had a lot of ideas about the person she should be before I'd ever met her. 



This episode marks ten years of the podcast, and I'm using it to walk through ten things I got wrong along the way. Because if you're in the middle of any of these yourself, I want you to know exactly where I started.



I'll cover what I misunderstood about the RIE approach and Magda Gerber's work, how I mixed up authoritative and authoritarian parenting in an early episode and had to go back and correct it on air, and a fight over a dose of antibiotics that taught me the difference between managing my daughter's behavior and understanding what was underneath it. Then I get into what I got wrong about myself: a resentment that built for months in my marriage before I understood what a need even was, a moment mid-interview when I realized one of my biggest triggers had nothing to do with my daughter, and the Alfie Kohn book that planted the seed for how I parent now. I close with what I got wrong about parenting itself, and why, ten years in, I still think most of us are trying to do this without the people around us it takes.


Questions this episode will answer

What is the RIE approach to parenting? RIE, developed by Magda Gerber, treats infants as capable people who deserve respect from birth. I only found out about it because friends who practiced RIE came to meet my daughter right after she was born, right before they moved away. This episode gets into what happened after that one visit. 



What's the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting? Authoritative parenting is warm and sets limits through relationship, while authoritarian parenting sets limits through control and obedience. I got these two labels mixed up on the podcast in 2017. This episode looks at what happened when I dug into the research behind that framework and found out how narrow it is.



How do you discipline a child without using punishment? Instead of punishment, this approach looks at what a child is struggling with and works with them to solve the problem. I share the story of a medicine fight with my daughter where forcing the issue failed completely, and a different approach, built on her having some say in what happened, worked on the first try.



Why do couples fight more after having a baby? New parents often take on different loads of housework, childcare, and mental tracking, and that imbalance builds resentment fast when it isn't named. I talk through the specific fight with my husband that forced me to see I was missing collaboration and acknowledgement, and that he was missing something too. 



What is the Gottman method, and does it work for parenting partners? The Gottman method is a well-known approach to couples communication, built on decades of relationship research. I talk about where I think it falls short for parents specifically, and what I changed to fill the gap with couples in the Parenting Membership.



What are the biggest mistakes parents make? This episode names ten, from misunderstanding what respect looks like with an infant to assuming a nuclear family is supposed to do this work alone. I walk through each one, including the specific moment that showed me I had it wrong.


What you'll learn in this episode

How Magda Gerber's RIE approach and Alfie Kohn's bookUnconditional Parentingreshaped how I saw my daughter, and which of Kohn's 13 principles I still use with parents today
Why the authoritative parenting research that's been cited over 26,000 times was built on 146 white, middle-class preschoolers in one town, and what that means for how much weight it should carry
The medicine fight that showed me the difference between forcing a behavior to stop and understanding what my daughter needed to do it differently
How a recurring fight with my husband over the four-month sleep regression led me to understand what a need is, in my marriage and in my parenting
What happened during a live interview when I realized one of my biggest triggers wasn't about my daughter at all, and how that became Taming Your Triggers
Why I now think parenting was never supposed to happen inside one house with one set of parents, and what building a village looked like for my family




Other episodes mentioned:
020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?

148: Is spanking a child really so bad?

183: What I wish I’d known about parenting

069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma

209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner



Ten years of learning it twice

Every one of these ten lessons, I had to learn twice. Once in my head, from a book or a study or a guest on the show. Then again, slower and harder, in the actual moment with Carys or Alvin, often while everyone around me was doing it a different way. Knowing what's underneath a behavior doesn't mean you'll catch it at 6pm when dinner's burning and your kid is on the floor. That takes practice, and people around you who are practicing the same thing.



That's what the Parenting Membership is for. A place to keep practicing the information you learned, in your specific moments with your specific kid, alongside other parents doing the same work.







Jump to highlights

00:00 Opening: the original episode zero script, re-recorded and re-read on this 10th anniversary

01:57 Milestone reflection: 10 years, over 300 episodes, and thanking Dr. Roberta Golinkoff and Katie Stankie

06:00 What I got wrong #1: thinking my job was to make Carys stop doing things, illustrated by a medicine-refusal standoff

09:19 What I got wrong #2: uncritically accepting authoritative parenting as "the best" style before questioning Baumrind's framework

13:40 Listener Laura shares what she wishes she'd known about potty training too early

17:41 What I got wrong #3: believing kids would "walk all over me" without punishments and consequences

18:34 Dr. Houri Parsi's story of a four-minute toothbrushing turnaround once she stopped trying to control the outcome

21:31 What I got wrong #4: not understanding that people (including myself) have needs, illustrated by early parenting friction with my husband

24:01 What I got wrong #5: realizing my triggers were about my own history, not just my husband's behavior, in conversation with Dr. Rebecca Babcock-Fenerci

27:55 What I got wrong #6: assuming parenting wouldn't change me much, illustrated by hiking the Tour de Mont Blanc with an 8-week-old

30:27 What I got wrong #7: trying to shape my daughter into a preconceived idea, based on a list of "hopes" written during pregnancy

33:14 What I got wrong #8: assuming I’d be "the enforcer," and how Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting principles shifted that

39:07 What I got wrong #9: treating couples' relationships as separate from parent-child ones, and lessons from Gottman-based coaching

42:34 What I got wrong #10: assuming parenting happens within one nuclear household rather than needing a village

47:58 Closing thanks to Denise Suarez and an invitation to join the Parenting Membership