WTF Bach

Am I the only one who hates when people ask what I ‘do?’
Composed first as a dialogue, I decided to make this more stream of consciousness, as today is Bloomsday (though this is not the least bit Joycean.) With which Evan will you sympathize? I imagine many of my colleagues have experienced similar thoughts… or am I the worst…?Are musicians, ‘artists?’ Or perhaps, are artists that make music, musicians?Is taste merely a matter of class? Where does preference stop and ‘snobbery’ begin? Do you agree with Pierre Bourdieu’s judgment of taste?Do you like Sibelius?
Spread Your Fingers:

Yeah.Evan.Likewise.What I…? Oh what I do…
Right, well, if you ask me what I do, I’m going to tell you: I breathe, I walk, I sit, I sleep, just like you! Just like you. What I do.
I might venture that I’m an inventor, or no longer need to work, because, right out of university, you see, I came up with a really clever patent for trampolines that has prevented the paralysis of hundreds of bouncing children— if not thousands.
Yes, yes, every month, every month checks. …for all the new trampolines in the world that have my… device somewhere on the side of the, trampo—Yes, it is odd being rich from trampolines. But, I’ll take what I can get.
That’s a good line, ‘odd being rich from trampolines.’
I’m also a professor of 18th century German religion at an online University in …sssSingapore!Singapore? You ask. Yes, yes, Singapore.Do you, lecture online, what with the time change and all that?Yes, yes, with the, with the time change.
Truth hurts: I play the piano and harpsichord and organ. You’ll ask, ‘Is that all you do.’
Is that all I do. Is that all I do. Let’s say I were the 17th best flamenco dancer in the world, but I had to supplement this with bus driving.
‘Hey! There’s Evan the bus driver’ not ‘Hey, there’s Evan, the 17th best flamenco dancer in the world.’ You might consider me a fairly good dancer, best dancer in the village even— but I’d still be, ‘Hey, there goes Evan the bus driver.’ But if suddenly, suddenly, flamenco paid well enough where I could stop driving the bus,‘Hey! There’s Evan the flamenco dancer.’
I wouldn’t have gotten any better or worse at dancing the whole time.
I hate these parties where people ask you what you do. I want parties where that’s not allowed, where you lead with, what is your favorite color? The no small talk party. You guys going to the no small talk party? It’s actually going to be enjoyable.
Somewhat vibrant green bordering on blueish… what’s yours? Oh did you meet Sheila? She also likes the greenish blues!
What’s your main fault? Hey Dave, nice to meet you, what’s your main fault. You ever cheated on someone, Dave? Who is your favorite heroine in fiction?
Yes, that’s all I do. All I do is play the piano. Oh, it must be so nice to be able to make a living with your passion.
I hate it when people say that. Passion. Overused word.
Yes, it is. It’s a good life. I’m healthy I’m happy. I am healthy and I am happy. What did that guy say on Instragram? ‘every day, wake up, sip lemon stare into the sun and say, today is going to be a great day, today is going to be a great day…’
Yes, I should say this to myself more often. I am grateful.
But sometimes— sometimes!— I wonder if I had given it all up to be the snowplow man, I wouldn’t have to remind myself to remind myself to be grateful. Just— pkcchhhh— plow the roads, up at at ‘em before even the well-employed! Thermos full of coffee, heater blasting, 20 below out, but I’m in a T-Shirt in here… pkchhhhh— plow the snow, plow the roads— what’s on the radio? Not my colleagues and thank god for that. Who’s got time to remind themselves to be grateful now? Snowplow man! Honk Honk!
Do you have any idea what it’s like to not be accountable to anybody but yourself, to make your own deadlines, to create your own goals, make your own structure? If suddenly people woke up and had to create their own work, no one would get out of bed! When robots replace everything, no one will know what to do, but I’ll carry on exactly as I always have. I got fugues to learn man! Let the robot sweep my house, do my laundry, but unless the robot’s gonna write in useful fingering, I’m busy! No one will ever pay to hear robot pianists.
Oh …my god. Robot Pianists.
These parties. These parties. This vapid socializing! Look, if 95% percent of success is showing up, I’ll take 5% of my potential fame, thank you— You’re a pianist? Oh, I heard this fantastic pianist play the most incredible Schumann — or was it Schubert…’
Was it me? Oh, wasn’t me?! As if they were any good, I wouldn’t be overcome with jealousy, and if they were mediocre, I wouldn’t abhor them for destroying our profession with mediocrity!
Don’t talk to a musician about musicians. Unless you’re drinking buddies with Leo van Doeselaar, I have no interest whatsoever in your anecdotes.
But shouldn’t I be glad to speak to someone who goes to the symphony— who even goes to the symphony?
I should! I’m not! Last thing you do when you meet a working actor is talk about all the movies you’ve seen. Wasn’t Brad Pitt great?! Get a life.
This thinly disguised sacred— sacred humility placed upon us by none other than Beethoven, of course, and the fact that we may no longer enjoy music for the reasons we once fell in love with it… likely a classical musician. You guessed it. I must look it. Over qualified. Underpaid. Bitter. Do I have the posture of a classical musician? You bet.
And then, I don’t know what’s worse, ‘do you like Sibelius? I used to take music lessons as a kid I never learned how to read do you ever listen to Eric Clapton?’ Did you know that actually Eric Clapton and Paul McCartney don’t know how to read music’ Well it’s about f***** time they did! If they’re such geniuses, have ‘em solve a treble clef.
Doesn’t read music. This kills me. It’s like talking about your favorite author who doesn’t read. No really, he doesn’t know how to read! He just talks into a microphone!And you enjoy that?Yes, yes, now would be a bad time to mention your nephew is a DJ. Is there a defibrillator nearby, because I’m going to need to revive the part of me that just died.
Also a musician. Also! a musician. What because he makes sound? There, did you count that glass that just fell off the table a musician, also a musician? I’d rather listen to broken glass than your nephew. Ha! What you think about that?!
Lots of people took music lessons, lots of people can pick up an instrument and play a little something, and a lot of these people, especially the men, fancy themselves ‘good at music.’ Hence, I’m gonna put musician in my bio. Art lover, coffee historian, dog walker, musician.
So...?
Well, so a lot of people know how to play ping-pong too. And I feel like the olympic ping-pong player.
Is… that a phrase?
You remember the olympic ping-pong player who once explained, ‘there is no other sport where, if you tell someone you’re a professional, people respond by saying… ‘I dunno! I’m pretty good…’
So I’m out to prove I’m an olympic musician, and I’m better at music than this party of non-professional musicians. Exactly.
Exactly. Okay. This is where we are. Measuring yourself against non-professionals… Oy. I need a drink. Where is the bar.
It was only recently pointed out to me that feeling like an imposter is a good sign, really, because real imposters never have imposter syndrome. Turns out the real imposters think they’re ‘pretty good!’
So… I want people to know, that even though I’m a professional, and the world thinks I’m really good. I still think I’m really bad, at music.
Okay.
Do I really think that I’m bad at music? Well, I didn’t practice enough today… Didn’t practice enough the last seven years really. Oh well, I never had the dreaded 9-5…
The dreaded… the dread— This is exactly what I’m talking about! this is the 9-5 man!What, writing dialogues featuring split personalities.Indeed! Hear, hear!
Everything is research, even the way I’m going to order this drink is a performance.
‘Negroni please. No garnish.’
Ha ha, no garnish. Bet that threw him off. He wasn’t expecting that little bit of flare. that was my improvised cadenza. Being an artist is crazy work.
Ugh, did I say artist? Artist! I hate that word artist.
Are we not an artist?
Not for us to say.
Musician. Musician, now this is fine. I can go over to that piano and entertain this whole party. Can your DJ nephew do that? Schmuck.
Sit down and play a little Scott Joplin, Evan.Coming right up.Got any Schubert in there?I dunno, Johnny, does a bear crap in the woods?Hahaha.
They’d be so charmed.
Only a musician can do that. An artist —why they need curation. They need their tools handy or they can’t create. I can make music on a bottle cap. Musicians don’t just sit around waiting for the muse to whisper…
Do people think that?
Everybody thinks that! That’s the Cliche! For most people music is American Idol. It’s a lucky break. That’s all success is: a lucky break— everyone wants to know how I can make ends meet if they couldn’t. Can’t be hard work, couldn’t possibly be hours of grueling hard work, what did I have a good manager or something?
Author, director, educator, socialite, content creator, cat mom, musician…
Puke! Vomit creator. Can you add that one please? Vomit creator.
What do you do?I’m a Vomit creator.Accurate, accurate!
Maybe like, entertainer… Something demeaning. You’re in the entertainment business— but I’m on the quest for truth.
Well, I mean… some pop musicians do understand harmony… yes, yes, I did learn a lot from playing rock music, some classical musicians, actually a lot of classical musicians are more like gymnasts… like robot gymnasts.
Oh my god. Robot Pianists. Robot pianists doing flips!
Snob.
Oh, fine. I’m a snob. At least it’s an anagram of Boss… Ha!
Wait, no it’s not. It’s an anagram of …No BS, there you go. Yes! Fine! I don’t tolerate BS.
Call the person a snob who spends his life studying something— when he declares it more rewarding than your pop culture—’he’s a snob— he’s locked in the library working on things that have been studied for centuries— what a snob!’
Please, please. Give a man a computer, he’s a DJ for a day. Teach a man to strum, he’s in a band for life.
Did… Did I just make that up? Someone should make that a phrase.
Sorry, once you’ve read the complete poetry of John Keats, Rupi Kaur just ain’t doin’ it for ya.
It’s about the personal voice, though—
Oh— please! Quoth the vomit creator!
But isn’t taste just a matter of social class, that any judgement about art you make is a matter of your social positioning?
So, am I just good at music because my parents could afford to buy a piano? Stupid Pierre Bourdieu. Go away.
Yeah, you know, I read Bourdieu because I was trying to figure out why people like you make me feel dumb for going to see rock orchestras or thinking Elton John is the best living piano player…
So, is aesthetic judgment just exclusion dressed up?
You’ve spent your entire life behind a piano, and a DJ can threaten you by just enjoying the very thing you claim to love? So what if the DJ enjoys music all his life, onto his deathbed, that it gives him spiritual sustenance and lasting happiness? The IV is drippin’ in the morphine, he’s writing out his will, grinning, still listening to the faint BMPP BMPP BMMP four on the floor, carrying him unto the Pearly Gates. What, you want him to collapse into intellectual poverty because he doesn’t know the notes of a B-flat minor scale?
Yes! Yes! Collapse. Collapse! Writhe!Ugh. So predictable. I’m such a bore.
Oh there he is! Honey, you’d better buy this ‘artist’ his next drink— you know how eating and drinking is quite a financial burden for them… Haha ha. Ahaha haha.”
—
If you or someone you know is suffering from self-employment, call the emergency number on the bottom of your screen. Harpsichord is not recommended for people who are estranged from a wealthy distant relative worth less than 2.1 million dollars. Self-employment may not be right for you. If you are suffering with the need for external validation or the ability to blame others for your problems, consult an employer. To send WTF Bach a care package, become a paid subscriber on Substack. WTF Bach may need staples of food and clothing to make it through the rest of the year. For his appropriate shoe size, visit WTF Bach dot com. Side effects of WTF Bach may include: anxiety about irregular income, compulsive email-checking and the inability to explain what you do at dinner parties. Ask your accountant if WTF Bach is right for you.
Oh Bach’s Art! The Prelude to my Heart!

We Rely Exclusively on Paid Subscriptions! Help WTF Bach endure:Join at WTFBach.comThis is the only place Evan checks comments regularly.You can also make a one-time donation here:https://www.paypal.me/wtfbachhttps://venmo.com/wtfbachThank you for your help!


Get full access to W.T.F. Bach? at wtfbach.substack.com/subscribe

Last December, I spoke with Peter Wollny, one of today’s most important Bach scholars. We discuss how one becomes a Bach scholar, what it’s like to be in close proximity with Bach’s handwritten manuscripts, using watermarks within the paper to form a compositional chronology, and forming a ‘personal relationship’ with a figure from the past. Here are some of my favorite quotes from our interview:
Q: Is there something that surprises you when reading a piece with scholarly intent vs. hearing it?A: What you can’t predict is how deeply it will go to your heart.
—
It can easily be said that there is something in the autograph that conveys something about a personality from the past, and it may be true, but it’s very risky because you can end up looking for something that is in your own head but not included in the manuscript.
—
This past summer I started a series of photographs trying to figure out the population of wild bees in our garden, and actually I identified a species of bees that was believed to be extinct in Saxony since 1930.
Chaconne on the Gramophone:

The two new chaconnes! Available for download:
BWV 1178, in d minorBWV 1179, in g minor
(Outro music is a choir of yours truly singing from Ich hatte viel Bekümmernis, BWV 21.)
We Rely Exclusively on Paid Subscriptions! Help WTF Bach endure:Join at WTFBach.comThis is the only place Evan checks comments regularly.You can also make a one-time donation here:https://www.paypal.me/wtfbachhttps://venmo.com/wtfbachThank you for your help!
Concepts Covered:
‘Confirmation Bias’ in musicology, J.S. Bach Toccatas BWV 914, BWV 913, the new Johann Martin Schubart sources. The attribution to Johann Christoph Graff in the new discovery of Bach’s early Chaconnes. Independent fascicles sewn into larger books, the process of fascicles copied from page 4, page 1, then pages 2-3. Peter Wollny’s discovery of new works by J.S. Bach. Bach’s early interest in ostinato pieces, Bach’s copies of chaconne’s by Buxtehude.


Get full access to W.T.F. Bach? at wtfbach.substack.com/subscribe

(Fear not the length of this episode: the last 25 minutes or so are three different playings of the piece.)
Having written a prelude and fugue in every possible key, having created a single temperament for all of those pieces, having stretched the thematic growth from a 6-note fugal subject to one with all 12 possible notes, Bach achieves a victory that would become the very foundations of music. At the very end, in one of his layerings from the 1730s, he adds, S.D.G., Soli Deo Gloria, glory to God alone:
While all pieces in this collection may suggest images, no single piece in the collection is as evocative as this one. For the first and only time in this volume, we get tempo markings for the set: andante and largo.
The andante is indeed a walk— toward Golgotha. Two voices in imitation trade the weight of dissonances struggling against the fateful steps up to Mount Calvary:
This prelude is the only binary piece in the collection, divided in half by repeat signs (whereas roughly half of ‘Book Two’ are binary preludes.)
Finally we get to the fugue. Often called the first 12-tone row in history, the fugue’s subject makes use of every single chromatic note. If C=1 in this diagram (it is usually 0 in Schönbergian theory) you will find all 12 pitches accounted for:
Sighs in the slurred notes, the theme bursts with musical ‘crosses.’ Those witnessing the crucifixion weep in four voices. Bach’s burden was tone— he carries all twelve of them. Equally striking in the subject is his own name, crossing upon itself dozens of times in this finale. Every other slur spells his name (in transposition.) A twelve-tone row, crosses, weeping, this theme has everything:
It has been a great joy to work on all these pieces over the past 10 months. Thanks for all your support. ‘Book Two’ will also be studied in depth on the show, but not quite yet. There are guest interviews to be released and I will be turning my attention to Bach’s earliest vocal works in the coming months.
Soli Deo Gloria!

We Rely Exclusively on Paid Subscriptions! Help WTF Bach endure:Join at WTFBach.comThis is the only place Evan checks comments regularly.You can also make a one-time donation here:https://www.paypal.me/wtfbachhttps://venmo.com/wtfbachThank you for your help!
Concepts Covered:
A long discussion on religion in 18th and 17th century Germany, re: the seriousness of Bach’s own faith. The Well-Tempered Clavier finale, in h moll is today’s subject, conjuring images of Golgotha, crucifixion music, Bach’s own signature, musical crosses, Simon bearing the weight of the cross in the prelude et cetera. The fugal subject is a twelve-tone row, a theory not fully realized until some 200 years after J.S. Bach.


Get full access to W.T.F. Bach? at wtfbach.substack.com/subscribe

We reach the last note in The Well-Tempered Clavier, B natural. To this point, Bach has climbed chromatically from C, visiting both minor and major modes in every half step, and before the stunning finale in b minor, Bach writes a somewhat simpler prelude and fugue, BWV 868, in B major.
Thank Bach for God!

There are few revisions between the earliest and latest copies, the most striking is the inner voice at measure 11 in the prelude. Which do you prefer:
or,
The two tuning schemes used in today’s episode are 1/4 Comma Meantone, and Kellner’s Bach. N.B. This Kellner is not J.P. Kellner, the important Bach scribe, but rather, Herbert Anton Kellner, an important 20th century musicologist.
The fugue, in four voices, features two inverted entrances. (I inverted, vertically, the word ‘theme,’ which is visually more correct than spinning it 180 degrees— I know you’re here for such details.)
Write That Fugue!

We Rely Exclusively on Paid Subscriptions! Help WTF Bach endure:Join at wtfbach.substack.comThis is the only place Evan checks comments regularly.
You can also make a one-time donation here:https://www.paypal.me/wtfbachhttps://venmo.com/wtfbachThank you for your help!
Concepts Covered:
J.S. Bach’s BWV 868, the B major Prelude and Fugue from Book 1 of the Well-Tempered Clavier, his compositional revisions between the early version and final fair copy. An analysis of large-scale harmonic progressions, such as the move from the tonic to dominant, and a similar movement, from sub-dominant to tonic. The prelude is played in two temperaments, Kellner’s Bach and quarter-comma meantone.


Get full access to W.T.F. Bach? at wtfbach.substack.com/subscribe

“While the c# minor fugue awakens the conception of a mighty cathedral, the two numbers in b-flat minor may be likened to artistically wrought side-chapel’s vaults, in which things most precious are kept.” —Busoni’s remarks on BWV 867.
Things most precious, indeed. We might well wrap up this dark pearl of b-flat minor and guard it in the ‘side-chapel vaults’ of our hearts. What noble suffering, what secret anguish, what quiet pain is here! To know this music is to be changed, to expand one’s emotional capacity.
Notice how, in Bach’s calligraphy, each note in this nine (!) note chord has its own stem:
Such detail is sadly missing from any printed edition:
It’s Free to B.W.V.!

The fugue, in five voices, appears to be almost entirely in stretto, each voice interrupting the former. Notice the overlapping colors:
This culminates in what I imagine to be a personal victory for Bach, ‘stretto-ing the stretto,’ making the entrances as close as possible, where the second note of one voice becomes the first note of the next, from top to bottom, all five voices in a masterful technical display:
(Looks a bit crowded, yes, but that’s the idea!)
We Rely Exclusively on Paid Subscriptions! Help WTF Bach endure:Join at wtfbach.substack.comThis is the only place Evan checks comments regularly.
You can also make a one-time donation here:https://www.paypal.me/wtfbachhttps://venmo.com/wtfbachThank you for your help!
Concepts Covered: We study the B-flat minor prelude, BWV 867, the Well-Tempered Clavier Book One, both five voice fugues in the second and penultimate minor positions, early manuscript and earliest version alongside P. 415, Bach’s revision of one extra measure. The fugue as a stretto fugue, possible connections between prelude and fugue, a complete stretto in five voices, a five-voice stretto, as well as the Busoni edition’s poetic description of this pair.


Get full access to W.T.F. Bach? at wtfbach.substack.com/subscribe