Pillow Talks

The response to our first episode on penis performance problems was so big that we knew we had to come back for round two.

In this episode, we're getting into the practical stuff: what to do in the moment when things aren't going as planned, how to keep your sex life feeling connected and fun even when performance issues are in the mix, and how both partners can show up for each other without making everything weird.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:


Whether you need to tell your wife you're taking ED meds


How to get out of your head before sex when PE anxiety is already spiraling


Practical tricks for lasting longer — specific, usable techniques that actually help


How to bring spontaneity back when Viagra has a 30-minute waiting period — because yes, this is fixable


How to bring up a performance issue with a partner who doesn't seem to notice it — the conversation you've been avoiding, made easier


What to do when he loses his erection mid-sex


When it's time to bring in a doctor — because sometimes the answer really is medical

If you or your partner have ever felt alone in navigating this stuff, this episode is proof that you're not.

🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES

We've put together a guide that goes even deeper into everything we talked about today. The Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure is a step-by-step resource built from Vanessa's years of sex therapy practice — real tools, real techniques, zero fluff.


Strategies for erectile difficulties, early ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation


Exercises you can use on your own and in the moment with a partner


A whole chapter for partners — because this is a team sport


Practical and shame-free from start to finish

👉🏻 Check out The Modern Man's Guide here: vmtherapy.com/modernman

💛 STAY CONNECTED

📸 Follow us on Instagram →

https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

If you're enjoying Pillow Talks, subscribing and leaving a review makes a huge difference — it helps more people find the show and actually improve their sex lives. We appreciate every single one.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

For a lot of women, orgasm feels like this mysterious thing that either happens or it doesn't. Nobody taught you how. And somewhere along the way, you picked up the idea that your pleasure is complicated, too demanding, or just... less important.

But here's what we want you to hear: that's NOT true.

In this episode, we reframe the whole conversation, asking what it would look like if women approached their own pleasure with the same expectation men do. No apology, no overthinking, no putting everyone else first.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:


The mental blocks that pull women out of the moment, from body distraction and to-do list thinking to feeling awkward or selfish for focusing on your own pleasure at all.


The technique gaps no one ever filled in, including what to do if you've never had an orgasm, if you can only get there through oral, or you can get there on your own but not with a partner.


The relational stuff that makes it even harder — worrying about how you smell or taste, not knowing how to redirect a partner without hurting his feelings, and the faking cycle that's been going on so long you don't even know how to stop.


How to think like a man during sex and what it would actually mean for a woman to show up to her pleasure with that same sense of entitlement (in the best possible way).


What the path forward actually looks like, whether you're starting from zero or expanding what's already working, both solo and with a partner.

If you've ever felt like your orgasm is the last priority, this one is for you.

🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES

Finishing School is Vanessa's step-by-step system for learning how to orgasm consistently, reliably, and in more ways than you might think possible.

It's been completely rebuilt around the three blocks covered in this episode: Mindset, Technique, and Partnership.


Work through the mental and emotional blocks keeping you stuck in your head


Learn The Finishing Formula and the specific techniques most likely to get you there


Built to meet you exactly where you are, with a 30-day money-back guarantee

👉🏻 Check out Finishing School here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm

💛 STAY CONNECTED

📸 Follow us on Instagram →

https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

If you're enjoying Pillow Talks, subscribing and leaving a review makes a huge difference — it helps more people find the show and actually improve their sex lives. We appreciate every single one.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This one's for the sleep-deprived, the time-starved, the diaper-changing, homework-helping parents who still want to feel like a couple.

We see you. And we asked our community to help us show up for you in a big way.

In this episode, we're reading real responses from real parents — practical, doable ideas and a little tough love for making intimacy a priority again, even with kids in the house.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:


Why we talk about parenting and intimacy even though we don't have kids ourselves


The #1 thing our parent community says completely changed their sex life (hint: it involves your calendar)


How to stop resentment before it builds


The small acts of emotional intimacy that go a long way


The little rituals making a real difference


Timing hacks that real parents swear by


The privacy solutions couples are using so they can actually relax


Mindset shifts that unstick couples from dry spells and all-or-nothing thinking


A powerful DM from a parent in our community that will challenge you, encourage you, and maybe make you tear up a little

Your relationship isn't something you'll get back to someday. This episode is the reminder you needed to start now.

✨ Want a simple, fun way to keep the spark alive every single month?

The Spark is our $9/month subscription packed with fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters — designed for real couples with real lives.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

Talking to your kids about sex and relationships doesn't have to be awkward — but it does have to happen.

Beyond The Birds & The Bees is our guide to having honest, age-appropriate conversations with your kids about bodies, relationships, and healthy sexuality — so they hear it from you first.


Practical scripts and conversation starters for every age


Takes the guesswork (and the cringe) out of the talk


Helps you raise kids with healthy attitudes about sex and relationships


Because the best gift you can give your kids is parents who aren't afraid to go there

👉🏻 Check out Beyond The Birds & The Bees here: http://vmtherapy.com/kids

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow
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Whether it's a glass of wine to take the edge off or a gummy to get out of your head, a lot of people use substances to feel more relaxed, more connected, or more in the mood.

But there's a lot more happening under the surface than most people realize.

In this episode, we're pulling back the sheets on how alcohol and marijuana actually affect desire, arousal, communication, and orgasm — including some real talk from our own experience and candid responses straight from our Pillow Talks community.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:


Why we're upfront about our bias as sober people — and why some of our worst sex happened while intoxicated


The real reasons people turn to substances for sex


What our community shared about their own experiences — from laughing too hard to try anything, to not being able to orgasm at all


The dangers that don't get talked about enough: impaired judgment, consent confusion, emotional flattening, and how substances can make it harder to get aroused, get wet, get hard, or finish


The long-term patterns to watch for, including building a dependence on substances just to feel intimate


Is sober sex awkward at first?


What to do if your libido is low and you're wondering if weed might help


How to tell your partner that sex while intoxicated makes you uncomfortable


What to do if you're the one who's been relying on substances to get in the mood and you want to change that

This one is honest, a little vulnerable, and genuinely useful, whether substances are a regular part of your sex life or you've never even thought about it.

🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship — every single month?

The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep the fun, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship.


Fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly


Designed for real couples with real lives (not just the honeymoon phase)


Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore


Only $9/month — less than a latte, way better for your relationship

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram →

https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Mom a gift that helps her reflect on her life with fresh perspective and gives your whole family the gift of her stories. Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th. Order RIGHT NOW and sve up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow

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One of our favorite series is back.

You sent us your wildest, messiest, most "wait… am I the problem here?" relationship stories. And we have opinions.

We're talking about a wife who's been sharing intimate details about her husband with her entire family for years (but only good things, so it's fine… right?). A partner who was a little too honest about his wife's body (brutal). Neighbors banging on the ceiling mid-sex. And a whole lot more.

Some of these had us genuinely torn. Others? Not so much.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:


Is it okay to talk about your sex life with friends and family… even if your partner doesn't know?


When "just being honest" about attraction crosses a line


The initiation that was so bad it killed the mood instantly


What happens when your neighbor tries to police your sex life


Our honest takes on every single one (and we don't always agree)

Whether you're here to feel validated, get a reality check, or just enjoy some relationship drama that isn't yours… this one's a fun ride.

🔗 Links & Resources

Catch up on past AITA episodes:


https://vmtherapy.com/episode199


https://vmtherapy.com/episode187


https://vmtherapy.com/episode155


https://vmtherapy.com/episode135


https://vmtherapy.com/episode125

🔥 Want to give your partner the best foreplay they’ve ever had?

The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to expertly pleasuring your partner, with detailed techniques, animated GIFs, and audio walkthroughs.
• Over 100 unique techniques for fingering, oral, hand jobs, and blow jobs
• Beautiful animated illustrations so you know exactly what to do
• Written and audio versions of both guides
• Inclusive language and visuals, because everyone deserves great pleasure

Stop guessing and start giving your partner a “my soul just left my body” experience.

👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-foreplay-guides?

Stay connected 💛

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Let this Mother’s Day be a reminder that she deserves care, too — discover how Cozy Earth turns everyday routines into moments of softness and ease. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices