Parenting teenagers untangled. 🏆 Your Weekly Hug

Ask Rachel anything
'Early adolescence is a friendship meat grinder, and your kid will eventually find their people,' according to Megan Saxelby of Wild Feelings. But oh boy it's tough!  
Megan wants parents to know that using words like “dramatic” to describe genuine social pain can accidentally give us permission to dismiss their emotional reality and teach our kids that their experiences doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously.
In today’s episode we explore why it hurts so much to watch our child struggle socially, and why our instincts to either dismiss or ‘fix things’ can often make it worse.
The good news is that there’s new research, by the eminent Dr David Yeager, that shows there’s one thing our kids can learn that can reduce depression in teens by nearly 40%.
We hear the details and some great tips for us parents on the frontline.
Megan Saxelby:
https://wildfeelings.substack.com/ 
Rachel's Substack:
https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
The Study:
https://www.nature.com/articles/s44220-022-00009-5
This is such a big topic I have created a lot of content to cover it:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/puberty-toxic-friendships-pick-me-girls-top-tips-for-parenting-teenagers-from-teenagers-147/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/top-friendship-tips-for-teen-girls-lessons-from-real-life-sisters/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/139-preparing-for-secondary-school-friendship-groups-and-those-awkward-talks-about-porn-and-sexti/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/
teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything
Come and join the community! 
https://substack.com/@teenagersuntangled
I watched my daughter switch to a new laptop and melt down; not because she couldn’t learn, but because she didn’t have the bandwidth. 
And it hit me: we can cope well with change when we are relaxed and don’t have too much on our plates, but when we are working at the limits of our abilities change can feel overwhelming. 
It’s easy to think that our brains like to work, but solving problems takes huge amounts of energy so our brains are actually designed to create habits as quickly as possible to reduce the loss of precious resources. 
My daugter’s experience made me think about how we rely on small habits the way we rely on hotkeys. When we lose them, everything feels harder, when we build them into everyday family life they can actively reduce our stress and improve our connection.
So this week my suggestion is to think about your routines; not rigid ones that you use to beat yourself up about (the should version) but anchors and hotkeys.
Here are 4 ideas that can make family life calmer:
Micro-habits that smooth the day, having a bowl where everyone puts their keys, reinforcing the small habits like putting the milk back in the fridge.
A regular “we come together” moment during the week; whether it’s Sunday lunch, or Saturday morning brunch, elevenses, ‘film Friday’ or supper time.
Being clear that dinner isn’t just a time when we eat, it’s a way to share our lives and our space.
If the way you like to do things doesn’t seem to work for your teen try something different that might better fit their brain
What anchors do you use in your household? I’d LOVE to hear your suggestions and tips.
Old episode about reducing nagging using habits:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/nagging-reducing-the-friction-using-the-magic-of-routine/
Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything
We want our kids to do as well as possible, so when they mess up, do dumb things, or seem to be failing, it's easy to focus on their mistakes and what they should do instead. 
Naomi Glover, a leading applied neuroscientist and brain health specialist, says we'd get the best out of our kids by doing the opposite; focusing on their strengths.
Coming from a  neurodivergent family, she truly understands the challenges faced by ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurotypes and offers practical, easy-to-use “brain hacks” for things like anxiety, focus, and emotional regulation.
Naomi believes that once we understand how our brain works, we can work with it—not against it this episode gives us those tips.
Naomi Glover:
https://neuro-informed.com
Find your strengths:
PARENTS: 
https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/pro/parentingstrengths/account/register
UNDER 18'S: https://StrengthBoostU18.pro.viasurvey.org/
Top tips:
Lead with strengths, not deficitsRegularly name what your teen does well (kindness, perseverance, curiosity, humour, etc.) instead of only correcting what’s missing.

Swap judgment for curiosityUse phrases like “I noticed…”, “Tell me more about what happened”, and “What could we do differently next time?” to keep conversations safe and open.

Use recognition as rocket fuel (especially with ADHD/RSD)Give specific, genuine praise:“That was really kind leadership when you…”
“I really appreciated you helping with the washing up – that was great teamwork.”

Reduce brain overload with routines and single-taskingBuild simple, predictable habits (e.g. “Saturday is bed-linen day”).
Avoid multitasking; do one thing at a time and protect focus where possible.

Teach nervous-system resetsUse quick tools for you and your teen:Breathing: in for 4, out for 8, 3–5 times.
Nature breaks: ~20 minutes outside to reset attention and mood.

teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything
Substack Link:
https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/
A number of you have been using the word ‘failure’ or ‘failing’ when describing your parenting, and I think it’s heartbreaking because it betrays an attitude to our role that sees it as all or nothing, rather than the incredible journey we are all on.
The most amazing thing is to be able to tell our kids when we think we might have misjudged something, or got upset, that we are sorry and we’d like to have another go.
It teaches our kids that relationships are messy and that getting things wrong is inevitable. It releases them from thinking that when they get things wrong it’s a catastrophe, and allows them to see that relationships take time and effort and the ability to be humble; all of which is incredibly valuable in a world that’s selling a binary approach to the world.
The greatest gift we can give our child isn’t to do with awards, it’s the gift of feeling that they matter profoundly. That who they are and what they think is important to those who are closest to them, and that they are loved for who they are, not who we wish they were.
Risk—taking teenagers:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/risk-taking-teens-the-good-news-about-bad-behaviour/
Lying teenagers:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/lying-teenagers-and-teens-who-complain-that-theyve-got-it-harder-than-their-siblings/
This is an old episode about perfectionism, and how to help our kids overcome it. I think it applies just as much to us parents.
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/perfectionism-help-your-teen-and-yourself-overcome-the-need-to-be-perfect/
Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything
While counseling sex offenders, Anna Sonoda, LCSW learned firsthand that grooming, the prelude to child sexual abuse, is intentional, gradual, and observable. Her message to us is, we're not bad parents, we just have a skills gap and she wants to fill it. 
I grew up in an era of stranger danger, but the truth is the vast majority of abuse happens inside our homes, online and offline, with people our kids know. So how can we spot the signs that a predator is moving in on us and our kids? 
Anna says there are clear stages of grooming that, once we know about them, we can intercept. She introduces the "4F formula" for grooming: flattery, favoritism, forbidden fruits, and fear, and stresses the importance of recognizing grooming's subtle signs. Anna advises parents to set clear device usage rules, use parental controls, and maintain open communication with their children. She also advocates for delaying social media access until age 16 and emphasizes the role of parents in curating their children's online and offline environments.
In this episode we cover:
What Is Grooming? (And Why Your Gut Isn’t Enough)
Who Is at Risk? Myths About “Safe” Communities
Online vs Offline Grooming: Why Both Matter
 The 4F Formula: Stages of Grooming Parents Need to Know
Red Flags of Grooming in Digital Spaces
Devices, Social Media and Age: What’s Really Appropriate?
Practical House Rules That Reduce Grooming Risk
Building “Predator-Proof” Kids Through Connection
Reclaiming Parental Leadership in a Tech-Driven World
Resources:
Anna Sonoda: www.annasonoda.com
IWF: https://www.iwf.org.uk/ UK-based for reporting and removing innapropriate images
Common Sense Media: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/ For useful and appropriate age guidance
Predator’s Playground: AI, Gaming, and the Kids at Risk
https://annasonoda.com/blog/f/predator%E2%80%99s-playground-ai-gaming-and-the-kids-at-risk?blogcategory=Online+safety
Protecting Families in the Age of AI: 'Take It Down Act'
 https://annasonoda.com/blog/f/protecting-families-in-the-age-of-ai-take-it-down-act?blogcategory=Online+safety
teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk