Stillness in the Storms

What would you miss? This episode is about suicide, my granddad's and my own, and the one question that kept me here. If you need help right now, the numbers are just below.
If you need help right now
UK and Ireland: Samaritans, call 116 123. Free, any hour, any day.
UK only, if you cannot talk: text SHOUT to 85258. Free, 24 hours.
US: call or text 988.
Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14.

I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm. The next morning Andy woke me and said they had found him. At 18 my heart was broken and I tried to end my life, and later that year I broke my neck and lay in a hospital bed thinking I was better off not here. Years on, at rock bottom again, I wrote a note, printed it, left it face down and went out in my chair with a plan. I sat there for two hours. What stopped me was my stepdaughter Kember and one thought: I wonder what she will become. I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop, and I think that is true of almost everybody who says they do not want to be here. Around the world 727,000 people a year die by suicide, one every 43 seconds. Three in four are men, and the men most at risk are 50 to 54, which is right where I am. So this is the conversation.
One thing to try: If you are anywhere near that door, ask one question. Not what will I lose, not what will I gain. What will I miss? Then hang on for a few more weeks. And if it is someone you love, ask them: just for a moment, tell me what you would miss.
In this episode
(0:00) Who World Suicide Prevention Day is for, and a warning
(1:47) 727,000 a year. Three in four are men, and I am the age most at risk
(2:53) I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm
(4:21) 18, heartbroken, and a cry for help
(5:35) Lying in hospital with a broken neck, thinking I was better off not here
(7:12) The note on the computer, and two hours at the edge
(9:21) The thought that stopped me: I wonder what she will become
(10:39) A permanent solution to a temporary problem
(13:46) The text my daughter sends us now, and why it works
(15:58) What will I miss? The one question, and the numbers to ring

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Are your boundaries keeping you safe, or keeping you stuck? I have never liked the word. This week a reader called Katherine gave me a better one: gates, not thorns.
I have carers in my life 24 hours a day, so I could not build walls even if I wanted to. I had to grow the strength to let the world in instead, and that is where I stand on boundaries. A red line between two people is healthy. It is an agreement, not a wall. A rulebook the whole world has to obey is not, and the old Buddhist texts do not even have a word for it. What they have is sila, your own conduct. Rules for you, and nobody else. A boundary that never comes down was never protection. It becomes a prison.
One thing to try: Next time you go to defend something, ask one question. Is this a gate or a thorn? Protecting something tender until it is stronger is fine. Refusing the world is not.
In this episode
(0:32) Katherine's email: a garden, not thorny bushes
(1:44) Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
(3:35) Carers in my life 24 hours a day
(6:16) If you want to learn calm, spend time with your family
(7:11) A healthy boundary: not my best today, so I close the gate
(8:13) Red lines between two people are different
(12:00) The Buddhists had no word for boundaries. They had sila
(15:26) Life will not honour your bubble
(16:21) A boundary that never comes down becomes a prison
(17:44) Where in your life has a wall quietly become a prison?

With gratitude to
Cheryl, Susan, Jane, Ankita, Dan, Cassie, Melanie, Joan and Reishin
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Steven
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Who are you, really, behind all the roles? Sit properly with that question and no answer comes. That is the answer.
Open me up and there is no Steven in there. In deep sleep there is no Steven either. We wake up and we come online and we boot the roles: dad, councillor, host, meditator. Each one needs a different set of skills, and you can only run one at a time. So who is watching the breath when you meditate? Ask whether you are aware of your left toe and you were not, and then you were. In that gap before the answer, there is nobody home, and that is not terrifying. It is the most freeing thing I know.
One thing to try: Ask yourself, are you aware? Then notice the moment before you answer.
In this episode
(2:33) I always wanted to be somebody, and should have been specific
(4:19) Every role needs a different set of skills
(5:30) In deep sleep there is no Steven
(7:55) You cannot run two roles at once
(9:12) Who is doing the relaxing
(11:41) Are you aware of your left toe
(13:05) No fixed little statue of you sits inside
(15:31) Do it with excitement and curiosity
(16:54) My daughter found it terrifying. It is not

With gratitude to
Yuva, Karin, Sue, HJ, Anita, Lorraine, Brandy, Jane, Sergio and Irma
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Steven
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If this were my last podcast, what would I want to leave you with? Let everything happen to you. No feeling is final.
That is Rilke, and it is where this one started. No script, just a cup of coffee. You cannot change the present moment. You cannot grow your hair, lose weight, get younger or stop the rain in this second, and yet we spend enormous energy arguing with what has already arrived. Imagine a rainbow with only two colours in it. That is a life lived in a narrow band of feeling. Watching the film Albatross and hearing the ending changed how I think about all of it.
One thing to try: Ask one question today. What small colour can I let into my life?
In this episode
(2:53) You cannot change the present moment
(4:06) Arguing with what has already arrived
(5:17) The hero on the uncomfortable cushion
(6:44) The good times need nothing from you
(7:39) Born, pain, desire, joy, rain, shine. All of it
(9:12) Not every voice is healthy, but all of them carry weight
(10:37) Rilke, and go to the limits of your longing
(12:44) A rainbow with only two colours
(15:28) What would love be without loss
(18:06) What small colour can I let in

With gratitude to
Senga, Jess, Anita, Sue, Evelyn and Glenn
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Steven
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What if the thing you keep chasing is the exact reason you cannot catch it? There is no happily ever after, and that is good news.
Picture the ox with a carrot on a stick fixed above its own head. Every step forward moves the carrot forward. That is happiness as most of us run it. And it is not a design fault, it is evolutionary genius, because if you settled the moment you got something you would never go further. The man who loses everything is miserable on day one and fine two years later. Happiness is an emotion. It arrives and it leaves, like all the others. It was never going to move in.
One thing to try: Catch yourself saying I will be happy when. Pause there and notice how much of life you just skipped.
In this episode
(4:10) The ox, the stick and the carrot above its own head
(5:19) Stop chasing and you see what you already have
(6:28) Why this is evolutionary genius, not a fault
(7:47) We would never run faster or try again
(9:07) Halfway up, turn around and look at the valley
(10:13) Everything becomes normal in the end
(11:16) The man on the park bench, day one and two years on
(12:54) Happiness arrives and leaves, like every other emotion
(16:27) I will be happy when, and what it costs you

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.
Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk