Stillness in the Storms

Are you bad at meditating? So is everyone. The mind wanders because that is its job. Meditation is not quieting it, it is noticing you have gone and coming back.
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When I started, I thought meditation was sit down, be quiet, no thoughts, pure bliss. It lasted about 30 seconds. Then a teacher gave me the only instruction that ever worked: just sit and do nothing. His version had four letters. Your body knows how to breathe and your mind knows how to go quiet. The job is getting out of their way. Think of a snow globe. To settle the snow you do nothing, you just watch, and life will shake it up again anyway. Every time the mind wanders it is a happy accident, as Bob Ross would say. Smile, say thank you mind, and come back.
One thing to try: Get somewhere five minutes early and just sit in the car. Each time you catch the mind off in a story, smile, say thank you mind, and come back to what you can hear and feel. Five minutes, twice a day.
In this episode
(0:03) Winnie the Pooh, and why meditation is doing nothing on purpose
(1:19) The only instruction that ever worked: just sit and do nothing (his had four letters)
(2:22) The snow globe. To settle the snow, you do nothing
(3:45) You're being thought. What's your next thought going to be?
(4:23) We're all terrible meditators, and why that is fine
(5:47) Bob Ross and the happy accident
(9:24) 178 podcasts and I've yet to find the one little thing that fixes everything
(13:15) Calvin and Hobbes, do a bit more nothing, and five minutes in the car

With gratitude to
Jess, David, Angi, Jeroen, Jose and Jill, Helen, Tracey, Carol, Hayden, Sarafena, Cheryl and Strength from Within Yoga, and new monthly supporter Rowan
The companion meditation: Nothing to Get Right: A Peace Meditation With Little Instruction
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Thank you for listening.
Steven
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What would you miss? This episode is about suicide, my granddad's and my own, and the one question that kept me here. If you need help right now, the numbers are just below.
If you need help right now
UK and Ireland: Samaritans, call 116 123. Free, any hour, any day.
UK only, if you cannot talk: text SHOUT to 85258. Free, 24 hours.
US: call or text 988.
Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14.

I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm. The next morning Andy woke me and said they had found him. At 18 my heart was broken and I tried to end my life, and later that year I broke my neck and lay in a hospital bed thinking I was better off not here. Years on, at rock bottom again, I wrote a note, printed it, left it face down and went out in my chair with a plan. I sat there for two hours. What stopped me was my stepdaughter Kember and one thought: I wonder what she will become. I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop, and I think that is true of almost everybody who says they do not want to be here. Around the world 727,000 people a year die by suicide, one every 43 seconds. Three in four are men, and the men most at risk are 50 to 54, which is right where I am. So this is the conversation.
One thing to try: If you are anywhere near that door, ask one question. Not what will I lose, not what will I gain. What will I miss? Then hang on for a few more weeks. And if it is someone you love, ask them: just for a moment, tell me what you would miss.
In this episode
(0:00) Who World Suicide Prevention Day is for, and a warning
(1:47) 727,000 a year. Three in four are men, and I am the age most at risk
(2:53) I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm
(4:21) 18, heartbroken, and a cry for help
(5:35) Lying in hospital with a broken neck, thinking I was better off not here
(7:12) The note on the computer, and two hours at the edge
(9:21) The thought that stopped me: I wonder what she will become
(10:39) A permanent solution to a temporary problem
(13:46) The text my daughter sends us now, and why it works
(15:58) What will I miss? The one question, and the numbers to ring

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Thank you for listening.
Steven
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Are your boundaries keeping you safe, or keeping you stuck? I have never liked the word. This week a reader called Katherine gave me a better one: gates, not thorns.
I have carers in my life 24 hours a day, so I could not build walls even if I wanted to. I had to grow the strength to let the world in instead, and that is where I stand on boundaries. A red line between two people is healthy. It is an agreement, not a wall. A rulebook the whole world has to obey is not, and the old Buddhist texts do not even have a word for it. What they have is sila, your own conduct. Rules for you, and nobody else. A boundary that never comes down was never protection. It becomes a prison.
One thing to try: Next time you go to defend something, ask one question. Is this a gate or a thorn? Protecting something tender until it is stronger is fine. Refusing the world is not.
In this episode
(0:32) Katherine's email: a garden, not thorny bushes
(1:44) Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
(3:35) Carers in my life 24 hours a day
(6:16) If you want to learn calm, spend time with your family
(7:11) A healthy boundary: not my best today, so I close the gate
(8:13) Red lines between two people are different
(12:00) The Buddhists had no word for boundaries. They had sila
(15:26) Life will not honour your bubble
(16:21) A boundary that never comes down becomes a prison
(17:44) Where in your life has a wall quietly become a prison?

With gratitude to
Cheryl, Susan, Jane, Ankita, Dan, Cassie, Melanie, Joan and Reishin
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Thank you for listening.
Steven
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Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
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Who are you, really, behind all the roles? Sit properly with that question and no answer comes. That is the answer.
Open me up and there is no Steven in there. In deep sleep there is no Steven either. We wake up and we come online and we boot the roles: dad, councillor, host, meditator. Each one needs a different set of skills, and you can only run one at a time. So who is watching the breath when you meditate? Ask whether you are aware of your left toe and you were not, and then you were. In that gap before the answer, there is nobody home, and that is not terrifying. It is the most freeing thing I know.
One thing to try: Ask yourself, are you aware? Then notice the moment before you answer.
In this episode
(2:33) I always wanted to be somebody, and should have been specific
(4:19) Every role needs a different set of skills
(5:30) In deep sleep there is no Steven
(7:55) You cannot run two roles at once
(9:12) Who is doing the relaxing
(11:41) Are you aware of your left toe
(13:05) No fixed little statue of you sits inside
(15:31) Do it with excitement and curiosity
(16:54) My daughter found it terrifying. It is not

With gratitude to
Yuva, Karin, Sue, HJ, Anita, Lorraine, Brandy, Jane, Sergio and Irma
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Thank you for listening.
Steven
Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.
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If this were my last podcast, what would I want to leave you with? Let everything happen to you. No feeling is final.
That is Rilke, and it is where this one started. No script, just a cup of coffee. You cannot change the present moment. You cannot grow your hair, lose weight, get younger or stop the rain in this second, and yet we spend enormous energy arguing with what has already arrived. Imagine a rainbow with only two colours in it. That is a life lived in a narrow band of feeling. Watching the film Albatross and hearing the ending changed how I think about all of it.
One thing to try: Ask one question today. What small colour can I let into my life?
In this episode
(2:53) You cannot change the present moment
(4:06) Arguing with what has already arrived
(5:17) The hero on the uncomfortable cushion
(6:44) The good times need nothing from you
(7:39) Born, pain, desire, joy, rain, shine. All of it
(9:12) Not every voice is healthy, but all of them carry weight
(10:37) Rilke, and go to the limits of your longing
(12:44) A rainbow with only two colours
(15:28) What would love be without loss
(18:06) What small colour can I let in

With gratitude to
Senga, Jess, Anita, Sue, Evelyn and Glenn
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.
Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk